Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
where does the pee come out of this thing
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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