So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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