im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
