Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
