I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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