i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
