I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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