there was a trapeze. enough said
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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