if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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