After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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