I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
