sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
