theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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