Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
