i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
