I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
