I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
There are leaves in my underwear?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
