I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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