I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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