Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
