Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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