I cannot find my penis.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
