Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
