dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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