I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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