Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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