Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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