I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How naked do you want me to be?
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