The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
