So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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