Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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