Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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