please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
