4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
