wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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