I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
