so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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