I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
