just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
