I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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