you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
