Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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