I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
