Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
