I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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