No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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