the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
