I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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