how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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