She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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