dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
