How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
