I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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