made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
