new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
