my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
