Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
